Masta Klaus

Last year on today’s date my ma told my ass da truth about da Tooth Fairy, da Easta Bunny and Santa Claus all in da same day---the same day she told my ass about da sex.  Der wey two tings wrong here.  Foyst, I would have prefoyed hearing about da sex from Amelia---dere's just something not right about a ma explaining sex to hoy son.
Especially a ma who lays down wit multiple black men every fucking day—often at da same time.  Da NOYVE!!!

Second, she left something out. I'm not talking about da sex—she told my ass all about da orgies, oral, anal, and bukakee sex, dat she had wit da black wresla’s and a ups man--what her ass left out was da foyth memba of da mytalogical muskateers---da Tooth Fairy, da Easter Bunny, Santa Claus AND my masta and savya da liberal liberian --- da liberal masta, Son of Science, Queen of Queers, Loyd of Loyds, Prince of Lies, and one of da primary reasons der is no peace on da eoyth—or at least no peace fowa my sowa ass spinkter.

I rememba being stunned by da news. Santa Claus, not real? Impossible!   After all, I had da evidence. I had experienced crimmus morning—even at da brown view apa’tments when I was living wit da Toid. I had wonderful memories of da event. I rememba jakin-off in da wee hours of da morning (tinking about da lovely Amelia) in da small, dark, smelly room, seeing our aluminum dildo tree cova’d in goo from da Toid.  Afta jackin, I would just lie on da floowa (in da nude because my masta would not let my ass sleep in da bed or wear clothes at night).   But when I had to get up to squeeze a toid owt my ass, I saw all da fuckin’ presents dat Santa had left.

Dere was foytha proof of Santa's existence in da half-eaten, cum-stained cookies and toids floatin' in milk which I had placed out da night befoy; and a hand-written note to my ass (always printed) tankin’ my ass for da snack, and that I should eat da leftova's or face a tremendous beatin. Now my ma was telling my ass that it had all been a lie, a joke, a charade? I was devastated. I was also fuyious, but I had been taught well to keep my emotions 'unda-control.'

However, inside I was angrily aroused because I was, yet again, so humiliated.  So afta I finished jackin, I sta'ted tinkin'.  Just last year my ma had encouraged my ass to take a photograph to Coytis's boythday party...a photograph of my ass and da 'real' Santa.  Afta I showed da Revrund dis pickcha, he oyded his black goons (Malik Monroe and Eugene Washington) to give my ass a severe beatin which dey did.

I had always been skeptical about all da different Santas I encountered around crimmus time. Some, in doz days, even wore a ha’d plastic mask wit bright rosy cheeks and eye-holes for dem to see troo, makin dem look like some strangely jolly Halloween ghoul. ma always explained doze away by telling my ass dat dey was fags ...da real Santa was just too busy to be everywhere. I accepted dis. 

Den, tree years ago, while visiting my masta, in his palace, I had encountered da 'real' Santa Claus in a depa'tment store in Braddock.  I was thrilled. Anyone could see he was da real ting. His face was real, and he even wore little wire-rimmed spectacles just below his kind, blue eyes.  I treasured da 5x7 framed photo of myself, seated on
da 'real' Santa's knee.  Befoy my goyth caused his leg to shatta. 

Now it was suddenly apparant dat I had been allowed...no, encoyaged to make a complete fool of my ass by proudly displaying my Santa photo in front of my fellow frustrated inc membas. Dat sure humiliated my ass.  How could my ma have done dis to my ass? How could I face my pals and my masta, knowing what I know now? How many of dem must have been laughing at my ass den?  And not because I sound like Coyly Howard or because of all da sexual humiliation I endoy every fuckin' day.  Why I oughtaaaa!!!!!

To make matters woyse, my ma was almost taunting my ass as she continued the revalations:

"Ehhhhh......You didn't really think....ehhhhh..... that a big rabbit hopped around the neighborhood, leaving baskets of candy and sex toys....ehhhhh...did you?   Ehhh......." she said, only half suppressing a chuckle.

"Hell, yes...I did !", I mutta'd. "Why wouldn't I ?" "You've told my ass all my life that it was true. How was I to know you were lying to my ass ?"  "You old fuckin whore!!"  "How could you have lied to my ass all deez years ? And Why? What otha lies have you told my ass ?"

At dis point a tawt occuyed to my ass and I asked, "What about my loyd and savya, da liberal libarian?"

"Ehhhhh......What?  Ehhhh....." she said, her tone suddenly very serious.

"Well, is da liberal librarian's mystical powas just make-believe, too...like da oddas?" (It seemed even to my obese mind dat he fit rather neatly into da same category as da rest.)

"Ehhhh....  No! Of course not!"  Ehhhhh..... "Don't ever say a thing like that. People won't like you.  Ehhhhh....  Fuck you, you fat fuckin' failure.   Ehhhh......."

Here was da crux of my ma's philosophy of life, one dat she stamped upon my ass so indelibly that it's taken most of my foyty-two years to get rid of----  Da most impoytant ting in life is fowa people to like your ass.

Well, I won't even go into all da problems which dat kind of tinking has caused my ass, except to say dat it has made my progress of being da greatest wrestler of all time very slow and difficult. People ( 99% of Americans) don't like jobbas,  the leftova 1% are just losers like my ass.   So...if you want to be liked, it follows that you need to be
a great wrestla.

Finally, dough, you reach a point in life where your priorities change. One day you realize dat da most important ting in life is dat you avoid eating out Shitifa's cheese smellin ass fowa one day...  to hell wit dis nasty whore!

After all, doubting da existence of my lord and savya's mystical abilities was a bad ting, everyone fuckin' knew dat--because my ma told all dey asses...even dat weird lookin guy in da sunglasses and suit.

Da day dat Santa Claus died, my masta's mystical abilities died too. Such is life...  I tawt.  Until one evening I was surrounded by all membas of Frustrated Inc at Clay Boytrand's house.  Even my ma was dere.  Dey showa laid a tremendous beating on my ass, while my ma kept screamin'  "Ehhh!!!!........... Kill him!!!!.... Ehhh!!!"  Da noyve!!

Den afta da most severe beatin I eva received, I was left layin' dere in a pool of my own blood, piss, and shit lookin to da sky.  Den da strange guy wit da sunglasses came up to my ass toyned around, pull den his trousa's, and let loose a toyant of rancid, liquified stool all ova my face.  Dat was da last ting I rememba, until I awoke from another coma 7 weeks lata in a room full of my used colostomy bags.

Here's a tawt which just now occuyed to my ass while writing this a'ticle:

You'd better watch out.
You betta not pout.
You'd better believe in da supa-natural powers of my liberal masta,
Cause

Liberal Klaz is comin' to town
Liberal Klaz is comin' to town
Liberal Klaz is comin' to town

He's makin' a list and checkin it twicet
He's gonna find out if you've been jackin at night

Liberal Klaz is comin' to town
Liberal Klaz is comin' to town
Liberal Klaz is comin' to town

Suga in my ass

Here's da new song dat my suga daddy, Clay Boytrand made my ass sing at his recent homo supa' bowl pa'ty--in da nude by da way... nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.... wo, wo, wo, wo, wooooo.....
--------------

Pour Some suga' On My Ass"

Step inside, walk dis way
You and my ass babe, Hey, hey!

Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on
Livin' like a lover with a radar phone
Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp
Demolition whorwa, can I be your man?
Razzle 'n' a dazzle 'n' a flash a little light
Television lover, baby, go all night
Sometime, anytime, suga' my ass sweet
Little miss ah innocent suga' my ass,yeah

Hey!
C'mon, take a bottle, shake it up
Break the bubble, break it up

Pour some suga' on my ass
Ooh, in the name of love
Pour some suga' on my ass
C'mon fire my ass up
Pour your suga' on my ass
Oh, I can't get enough

I'm hot, sticky sweet
From my head to my ass yeah

Listen! red light, yellow light, green-a-light go!
Crazy little man in a one man show
Drag queen, mannequin, rhythm of love
Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen stool

You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little
Tease a little mowa
Easy operata' come a knockin' on my dowa
Sometime, anytime, suga' my ass sweet
Little miss innocent suga' my ass, yeah

Take a bottle, shake it up
Break the bubble, break it up

Pour some suga' on my ass
Ooh, in the name of love
Pour some suga' on my ass
C'mon fire my ass up
Pour your suga' on my ass
Oh, I can't get enough

I'm hot, sticky sweet
From my head to my feet yeah

[guitar solo]

You got the peaches, I got da cream
Sweet to taste, saccharine
'Cos I'm hot, say what, sticky sweet
From my head, my head, to my ass

Do you take suga'? one lump or tree?

Take a bottle, shake it up
Break the wind, break it up

Pour some suga' on my ass
Ooh, in the name of love
Pour some suga' on my ass
C'mon fire my ass up
Pour your suga' on my ass
Oh, I can't get enough
Pour some suga' on my ass
Oh, in the name of love
Pour some suga' on my ass
Get it, come get it
Pour your suga' on my ass
Ooh
Pour some suga' on my ass
Yeah! suga' my ass!

woym air in my mouth- but at least my Steelas are Woyld Champeens!

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peka relish

Last night at my suga daddy's house was poyhaps da most humiliatin' night eva.  Afta my finishin my gig as a nude model fowa one of his depraved homo pa'ties, my suga daddy--clay boytrand offered my ass some salami with "peppa" relish.  well his ass got all excited.  in a high pitched oygasmic squeal he axed my ass how much of da salami dat i wanted.  my ass loves salami so i says da whole fuckin' ting.  

boy he showa wuz arouzed, i could even see dat he had a woody.  does he tink i'm gonna do something fowa his ass?  i aint' no homo, da fool!!  

So anyways, he cut up da salami den he set it on a plate.  so i said "wheres da peppa relish"?  wit a giant grin on his face, he gleefully and in a high pitch ansa'd, "I though you would never ask!"

Den dat bastid wipt out his rock-ha'd cock, stuck it in a ja' of peppa relish, and stoyed it quite thoyoyly and slapped his relish cock on my salami.  Da bastid even said, "Here it is, pecker relish!"  He tricked my ass.  I told his ass, dat I wasn't gonna eat it.  

Just when I was ready to take his ass out, he motioned his black soyvent Smedley to help him.  I have to say for a 79 year old man, he showa is tuff.  Despite my best efforts, Smedley laid a tremendous beatin' on my ass.  He den proped my ass up, and Mista Boytrand said "Are you going to eat this scrumptiuos dinner"?  I said hell no.  

Boytrand became pissed.  He pinched my nipples, twisted dem den snapped his fingas.   AHHHH!!!!!   I yelled, "Alright!  I'll eat da pecka relish!"  Den as he was bringin da plate ova to my ass, Boytrand dropped a salami slice on da flowa.  He reached to pick it up.  As he was coming up he grabed my nuts, twisted dem, den snapped his fingas.  AHHHHH!!!! DA BASTID!!!

Well, needless to say I ate a healthy dose of da salami (actually all of it) wit an extra helpin of da pecka relish.  On the whole, da salami did not taste too bad.... just a few hairs and a weird bleach smell.  

Da next day, as I was gettin ready to retoyn to da asylum from my weekend foylough I saw Clay speakin to a clean-shavin man in a very expensive lookin' suit.  Da bastid was also woyin' sunglasses.  I ova hoyd da stranga say, "That was a pretty good show you put on last night, dude.  See you at the next anti-Castro convention, jack."  I wonda who dat guy was.  

I wish my foyma masta, da Liberal Librarian was here.  He would neva let my ass be humilated.  Until den, as long as I'm at Boytrand's mansion, I'll go out fowa a snack.

Da Woes of Jackin'

da most humiliatin ting happent to my ass da otha da at da insane asylum. da day was Decemba da foyth and I was bein kept after re-education school. da 65 year old secoyity gad Mrs Landreth would walk to check on da nuts in da coytyad who was rubbin shit in dere hair. It was rainin really hard and when she got back to escoyt my ass back to my padded cell she was soakin wet. I was hidin In da closet and den she started to take her dress off, she was wearin a platex rubba goydle, depends unda gaments and nylons dat made hoy legs and all da spida veins look very sexy and believe It or not she was wearin black rubbas on hoy shoes.

I really started to get an erection and started to poyfoym da toyk an twist on my weina. I was so toyned on dat before I knew It, she walked In on me while I was shootin my load. She was really mad and told me she was goin to give my ass a real good beatin. dat Is da way it is in prison, you would get a beatin If you looked at at bitch da wrong way. what's woyse, yowa asshole could be a pussy, like da Rev. Dockta Coits Lowe. And dat's what happent to my ass. Mrs. Landreth took da strap-on covered in molasses to my ass. Den gave my asshole a good poundin. Afta da rapin, I began jackin foyiously at da tawt of da sheer humiliatin. foytunately fowa my ass, dat was da foyst time I was caught masterbatin, eva!!

Unfoytunately fowa my ass, da next day, I was caught masterbatin when I was In da batroom shittin on da john when I noticed my suga daddy, Clay Boytrand had left his rubba goydle hangin on da bathtub rail and all of a sudden I started to get an erection, I den took his rubba goydle and put It on myself. I was standin dere wit a real big erection when Clay Boytrand walked In on my ass and caught me puttin da sleepa hold on 'little nooch'. I had neva seen Clay Boytrand so mad, he started yellin at my ass and told my ass I was goin to get a good spankin. He den kicked my ass in da nuts. Den he pinched my nuts, twisted dem, den he snapped his fingas. Da Bastid!!! den he stated beatin my ass wit a whip. all of a sudden I stated to get a big erection den I spooged all ova my ass. After Clay finished washin da spoym from his leg, he got his strap-on (covered in sand) and gave my ass a beatin dat I will never forget. I ejaculate fowa mowa times.

Now as i write dis, i am sittin a stachy padded cell da smells of ammonia, covad in stachy undawea and a stachy shoyt, wit my skin stachy from head to toe. As punishment da gads said de will put itchin powda on my weina and me in a straight jacket, so I can roll around da padded cell in tryin to scratch my weina. I wish I neva took dat job as a county planna, boy dats where all da humiliation began.

Tanksgivin Confusion

Tanksgivin Day with my pal Clay Boytrand at da asylum went surprisingly well. Da last time I ate wit somebody, I got my tit shot and moidad. Da bastid dough showa liked to humiliate my ass. He kept making snide remarks about my fat rolls and my moidad tit.

So afta humiliatin my ass about my tit, we ate dinna with a negro soyvant named Smedley. Boy is dat what years of humiliation can do to yowa ass? What a froot!!

Clay loved da pan-seared oven-roasted salami. YUM. Afta dinner we went upstairs to hide da salami. Den Clay said he had to tell me sometin. He said he had to leave at 9:00. I was a little pissed because I spent a lot of time cookin foy his ass and I tawt we agreed he was coming over and possibly staying da night wit my ass. Clay said he had to meet wit a friend who was in trouble. I let it go at dat.

Since it was still oyly afta da Tanksgivin, I left da asylum on holiday-foylow, I decided to go out to da Blue Oysta Bar across da street. Der was one horwa in da whole bar. A cute Polish horwa, Etmiass, age 30, came up to me and said I was very handsome. She had a face full of stubble. So we went back to my shack in da asylum.

By this time we were on da second bottle of wine, da red one. Etmiass woyned me dat red wine makes hoy sleepy. As we were eatin pizza I received a text messages. It was from my forma ovaseea, Da Toid, who I tawt was dead. Evidently, he sent my ass a message from Hell. Da Toid wanted to know what I was doing. I replied, “I'm on a hot date with Etmiass!” After I sent da text, Da Toid woyned me dat Etmiass was a man. I was so humiliated and confused. I had tawt dat dis was da foyst time I ate ass from a thin girl, and den I see dis.

Now here's where it gets really confusing. After da movie we watched a re-run of Liberal Morning wit da Liberal Librarian. I took a restroom break and when I came back Etmiass was lying on da futon. She… He motioned for me to lie down beside it. Dere was a lot of touching and rubbing, and befooy long jeans were unzipped and moy touching followed. I asked if it wanted to go to da bedroom for sex and it said, “I don't want to on da first date.”

I tawt, “What in da hell just happened here?!! I tawt dis wasn't a date!!!” Why I oughtaa…

Can you see why my ass is confused?

Jackin' 101

If you're like my ass and you love to mastabate, dere are certain tings you can do to prevent udda people from catchin you right in da heat of da moment--when you are about to launch your load. I have been mastabatin fowa years and I haven't oncet been caught--except by my ma, my sis, my half-brotha, my reverend, my masta, and his ova-see-a. Here is a few tips I suggest.

1. Don't mastabate if da dowa is unlocked.

dat one is so easy to rememba, you don't want your ma catching your ass masturbatin to a bag of Utz potato chips. unfoytunately dis seems to happen every couple of days.

2. Never cum in your clothes or bed or aim fowa your own face

Never and I mean never cum all over yourself wid your cloths on or off, last ting you need is to be foyced by your masta to walk out in front of da guys covered in your own spooge smelling of bleach and wearin' a starchy shoyt.

3. Always jack-off in a sock--or betta yet on a rag.

It really helps to save da environment if you use da sock or rag--I recommend using da same one fowa at least six or seven months befoy da next wash. It stinks and toyns yella, but it's betta on da environment.

4. Never make any strange noises while mastabating.

You want to avoid da "oohs and ahhs," your family may hear dem. unfoytunately fowa my ass, I just fart a lot when I jack off, and I usually shit when I cum, so everybody knows when I have been strokin' "little noochi"

5. Never be in your room for too long and its too quiet.

Your ma or your masta might suspect your jackin' if dey cant hear anything coming from your room.

6. When watching unapproved porno, lowa da volume and turn up da radio.
my masta loves porn and orders everyone to watch it--unfoyunately fowa my ass, he only wants us to watch da interracial ass-rape gay porn. boy being foyced to wach dis showa is humiliatin... especially when dere is a guy beside you in a toid costume poundin away on his dookie stick

7. Always clean up da evidence

Never leave a mess in your room. clean up any goo, piss, shit or vaseline dat may be on da flowa.

8.After masturbating, go straight to da restroom and wash up.

Take a bath or something you might smell like tuna or bleach, dough dis would be an improvement ova how i smell afta eatin' shitifa's ass.

9. Never leave porno, or used condoms or socks anywhere in your room.

Always hide anything that may get you into trouble, dough usually da Toid leaves his used kleenex's in my hammock all da fuckin' time.

10. i hope dis helps yowa ass in da arts of jackin'. unfoytunately dis is probably all i'll eva do, since it looks like amelia may not be interested in my ass.