Tanksgivin Confusion

Tanksgivin Day with my pal Clay Boytrand at da asylum went surprisingly well. Da last time I ate wit somebody, I got my tit shot and moidad. Da bastid dough showa liked to humiliate my ass. He kept making snide remarks about my fat rolls and my moidad tit.

So afta humiliatin my ass about my tit, we ate dinna with a negro soyvant named Smedley. Boy is dat what years of humiliation can do to yowa ass? What a froot!!

Clay loved da pan-seared oven-roasted salami. YUM. Afta dinner we went upstairs to hide da salami. Den Clay said he had to tell me sometin. He said he had to leave at 9:00. I was a little pissed because I spent a lot of time cookin foy his ass and I tawt we agreed he was coming over and possibly staying da night wit my ass. Clay said he had to meet wit a friend who was in trouble. I let it go at dat.

Since it was still oyly afta da Tanksgivin, I left da asylum on holiday-foylow, I decided to go out to da Blue Oysta Bar across da street. Der was one horwa in da whole bar. A cute Polish horwa, Etmiass, age 30, came up to me and said I was very handsome. She had a face full of stubble. So we went back to my shack in da asylum.

By this time we were on da second bottle of wine, da red one. Etmiass woyned me dat red wine makes hoy sleepy. As we were eatin pizza I received a text messages. It was from my forma ovaseea, Da Toid, who I tawt was dead. Evidently, he sent my ass a message from Hell. Da Toid wanted to know what I was doing. I replied, “I'm on a hot date with Etmiass!” After I sent da text, Da Toid woyned me dat Etmiass was a man. I was so humiliated and confused. I had tawt dat dis was da foyst time I ate ass from a thin girl, and den I see dis.

Now here's where it gets really confusing. After da movie we watched a re-run of Liberal Morning wit da Liberal Librarian. I took a restroom break and when I came back Etmiass was lying on da futon. She… He motioned for me to lie down beside it. Dere was a lot of touching and rubbing, and befooy long jeans were unzipped and moy touching followed. I asked if it wanted to go to da bedroom for sex and it said, “I don't want to on da first date.”

I tawt, “What in da hell just happened here?!! I tawt dis wasn't a date!!!” Why I oughtaa…

Can you see why my ass is confused?

Jackin' 101

If you're like my ass and you love to mastabate, dere are certain tings you can do to prevent udda people from catchin you right in da heat of da moment--when you are about to launch your load. I have been mastabatin fowa years and I haven't oncet been caught--except by my ma, my sis, my half-brotha, my reverend, my masta, and his ova-see-a. Here is a few tips I suggest.

1. Don't mastabate if da dowa is unlocked.

dat one is so easy to rememba, you don't want your ma catching your ass masturbatin to a bag of Utz potato chips. unfoytunately dis seems to happen every couple of days.

2. Never cum in your clothes or bed or aim fowa your own face

Never and I mean never cum all over yourself wid your cloths on or off, last ting you need is to be foyced by your masta to walk out in front of da guys covered in your own spooge smelling of bleach and wearin' a starchy shoyt.

3. Always jack-off in a sock--or betta yet on a rag.

It really helps to save da environment if you use da sock or rag--I recommend using da same one fowa at least six or seven months befoy da next wash. It stinks and toyns yella, but it's betta on da environment.

4. Never make any strange noises while mastabating.

You want to avoid da "oohs and ahhs," your family may hear dem. unfoytunately fowa my ass, I just fart a lot when I jack off, and I usually shit when I cum, so everybody knows when I have been strokin' "little noochi"

5. Never be in your room for too long and its too quiet.

Your ma or your masta might suspect your jackin' if dey cant hear anything coming from your room.

6. When watching unapproved porno, lowa da volume and turn up da radio.
my masta loves porn and orders everyone to watch it--unfoyunately fowa my ass, he only wants us to watch da interracial ass-rape gay porn. boy being foyced to wach dis showa is humiliatin... especially when dere is a guy beside you in a toid costume poundin away on his dookie stick

7. Always clean up da evidence

Never leave a mess in your room. clean up any goo, piss, shit or vaseline dat may be on da flowa.

8.After masturbating, go straight to da restroom and wash up.

Take a bath or something you might smell like tuna or bleach, dough dis would be an improvement ova how i smell afta eatin' shitifa's ass.

9. Never leave porno, or used condoms or socks anywhere in your room.

Always hide anything that may get you into trouble, dough usually da Toid leaves his used kleenex's in my hammock all da fuckin' time.

10. i hope dis helps yowa ass in da arts of jackin'. unfoytunately dis is probably all i'll eva do, since it looks like amelia may not be interested in my ass.

New songs

I am very proud of dis song. da toid even likes it. da toid makes me sing dis song to him and my sis while dey are makin' love! Da noive!!!

I'm gwine down to Town!
I'm gwine down to Town!
I'm gwine down to Liberal Town
To carry my strap-ons down!

Strap-ons is sellin' high!
Strap-ons is sellin' high!
Fifty cents if it's gooey
Sixty if it's dry!

I'm gwine down to Town!
I'm gwine down to Town!
I'm gwine down to Liberal Town
To carry my strap-ons down!

Strap-ons is sellin' low!
Strap-ons is sellin' low!
7 cents per strap-on
it ain't no used to go!

I'm gwine down to Town!
I'm gwine down to Town!
I'm gwine down to Liberal Town
To carry my strap-ons down!

Liberal town has all sorts of treats
I love mashed potatas
bake 'em in da sand
fry my ass some pepperoni and salami in da pan

I'm gwine down to Town!
I'm gwine down to Town!
I'm gwine down to Liberal Town
To carry my strap-ons down!

Da best ting I eva did
was to lose some fat!
Da woyst ting I eva did
was eat out Shitifa's nasty Cat

I'm gwine down to Town!
I'm gwine down to Town!
I'm gwine down to Liberal Town
To carry my strap-ons down!

I'm gwine down to Town!
I'm gwine down to Town!
I'm gwine down to Liberal Town
To carry my strap-ons down!

Da following song is an ode to my ma, Pamela Fanuci.

Oh, mama liked the niggas
She screwed them in the yard
But Winter always came around and made the ground way too hard
Oh, mama liked the niggas and when she had the time
She'd decorate the living room, for all us kids to see

When I hear the Sunday bells ringing in the morning
I remember crying when she used to sing
Oh, mama liked the niggas but most of all she cared
About the way we learned to live
And if we said our prayers to da Rev. Coitis

You know I kept the family Bible
With a picture of a nigga that she saved inside
It was pressed between the pages
Like it had found a place to hide

Oh, mama liked the niggas in such a special way
We bring her a big black dildo every Mother's Day
And she puts them in her cave
Oh, mama liked the niggas Mmmm
Mama liked the niggas